2023.10.24

Today, I woke up hoping nothing actually happened.

I opened up my phone and saw my friends mourning, and I realized this was real.

Yesterday, at around this time, we got the announcement.

As soon as I saw the words "Important" in kanji, I opened the page as fast as I could. Everyone else did the same, because the page couldn't even load. It was probably one of the worst parts about all of this: in those 2 minutes when you could be ok, or you could not be.

Hell, I had to take a screenshot of the announcement on Instagram, because the page never loaded. Thanks to some crap translation, I read something along the lines of "I got cared of in the hospital". I felt relieved because, if you got taken care of that means you're fine, right?

Next line I read, I found out he was dead at 57.

I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't and I could have never been prepared enough for this.

You always talked about death. I know that, and I know you probably already imagined yourself dead since many years ago. Some of your latest lyrics were the darkest I have ever read. You knew Death, you had a tight relationship with It. But, like you said, you were scared of it. I know you wanted to hold hands with it, but were too afraid to do so.

I also know, both you and I, expected this. You got sick, many times, you knew this was going to happen soon. I knew so too. But I wanted to pretend that you were invincible, that you weren't Mortal. My favorite vocalist can't die. My favorite band can't stop.

I don't know what kind of fucked up stage of grief this is, but since I heard the announcement, my brain has been telling me that this is real, that this is unavoidable, and that this will happen to all of us. It will happen to the rest as well. You have to prepare for it. It has happened for ages. And yet, deep inside my body, there is something that feels like "Hey! This is not actually happening, you know? Everything is the same as yesterday. He got a little sick, that's all. But he's getting better and he will come out to perform again soon! You will see him wearing his make up, his sexy clothing, and singing songs like always."

Today I cried. Many times. I cried when going to work. I cried at work a couple of times. I cried going back to home. I cried at home again. My eyes hurt.

I could never be angry with you. I know you wanted this, and yet you didn't. Please, I want to know if you felt like you dissappointed us, them. You didn't dissappoint anyone, I assure you.

But, how can I go on? How can We go on without you?

This means the end of BUCK-TICK, right?

As a young and new fan, I feel dumb for saying this. I feel dumb for not knowing about you guys sooner. I feel dumb for thinking I could spend more of my lifetime with you.

I feel dumb for thinking you were forever.

I haven't stopped thinking about you, and I don't think I will in a while.

Today, the first song I listened to after the announcement was Moon さよならを教えて. I cried terribly while looking at the moon the entire time. I am not saying Thanks. I am saying Goodbye, like you wanted.

You are the moon. The dark night. The colour deep blue, dark purple. You are deep burgandy lipsticks. You are deep looking eyes. You are a child crying for his mother. You are any dark, long haired character. You are white and black lace. You are a dark, lonely feeling. You are cute cats looking lovingly at you. You are hot, red, burning passion. You are sex. You are Blood Red.

I will hold you, in all of those things. Please keep looking over me. Please rest wherever you are. You are finally together with Her. With everyone you once mourned for.

Goodbye.

Today, I had to take a hot shower so I could finally feel a little bit warmer.

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